Madame P.

Grenoble Welcome Week culminated in an out of the blue call from Madame P., who I thought was going to be my savoir. She had seen the ad I had posted on a slightly higher class, French version of Craigslist and she had a room that she thought I might be interested in. Finally, my homelessness was coming to an end!! I set up an appointment to see the room at 10:30 pm, which to some people might seem bizarre, but after a bottle of wine I thought was totally normal. Done. I agreed to sign the lease the next day.

When I showed up the next morning, I was ushered to the table to sign the papers and give Madame P. all my damn money. Once that minor bit was taken care of, she gave me a second whirlwind of a tour of the place. Here you will find a list of new information given to me by Madame P., only made available to me after my lease was signed:

1. "Your bedroom door doesn't really stay open so if you just find something to shove underneath, that will fix that problem!" she said as she searched for an example. She showed a plastic bag under my door and that was that.
2. "Oh, and the lever to flush the toilet is broken, so to flush you have to reach inside the tank, feel for the lever and pull it." Cool... and sanitary!
3. "There is a window in the shower. Please open it after you're done to let some of the humidity out since there are no vents in the bathroom." Additional pleasant surprise, that window leads directly into my bedroom, giving me access not only to gusts of steamy air -- great for the skin -- but also allows me to have full conversations with my roommates while they bathe. It's a bonding experience...
4. "And lastly, don't turn the heat up higher than 70 degrees, even in the winter, and don't shower for longer than 3 minutes. Otherwise, I'll charge you extra for utilities! Okenjoylivingherebye."

Since this informative day, I have received several phone calls to add new rules.

5. "No bikes in the apartment because they destroy everything."
6. "Never leave sponges on the countertop. Rest them on top of a glass so that they aren't touching any surfaces. Sponges also destroy everything."
7. I received a call just for her to let me know that I should probably keep the windows closed when it's raining. Ummm..... thanks for this innovative idea......
8. "Don't go into the cabinet in the hallway. My things are in there and it's private." As if her belongings weren't left behind on every surface, in every cabinet and in every drawer of the place.
9. "I will allow you to use the ladder if you need. There is one in your room..... And other in the other bedroom." TWO full-sized, clean-the-gutters-style ladders up in this sitch!

Aaaannnnd I was graced with a visit, during which time she smelled cigarette smoke in the hallway and the woman went absolutely ballistic, knocking on every door in the building to see who was smoking. She also went through my refrigerator to assess my diet. "Doucement avec la bière !" When I asked her about fixing the toilet she said, "Oh I've spoken with the plumber and his health situation is not improving. He's been hospitalized, so you'll just have to wait." France and her one and only plumber are suffering at the moment! Send help!

Needless to say, there is an unmatched sense of peace and tranquility here. The nuances of renting have exceeded all my expectations and past precedents. But home is where the heart is.... So I guess, despite my lease and my rulebook, I'm still homeless.